Inspiring change

I had a wonderful lunch with a dear friend and her daughter and I always leave each meeting with her feeling inspired and truly blessed. She mentioned that my journey inspired her and her daughter to commit to their weight loss as well. It brought tears to my eyes to hear that my journey is helping others be the best they can be. I have always been a very private person but this journey and this blog is the one place where that has no place. I want everyone to see that it is not easy and you absolutely will fall on the way but you have to pick yourself back up and keep going, this is a marathon-not a sprint! I am so glad people are learning from my journey- it inspires me to continue to go the distance.

Keep going and don't give up! 

fear awakens

I have always lived my life in fear. 

When I look back on memories, it seems the ones of fear and pain are the first ones to arise. When I was a child I was in fear of my father, I would pray he wouldn't hurt me like he hurt his other  daughters. When I would go off to school each day, I was in fear that I would be bullied and teased worse than the day before. When I would come home, I was in fear that I would be beaten again. When I became an adult, I was afraid to bring up my molestation by a relative because I was fearful of what might happen. When I was a teen, I was afraid that my bullying at school would become worse so I dropped out and secluded myself by going into homeschool. When my cousin died, I was afraid I would lose another family member....and I did...3 followed that year. I became afraid to be more than a few hours away from my family at all time (which is why Dallas was so huge for me).  When a "dear friend" attempted to rape me in his home a few years ago, I was afraid that I would be judged because I made the decision to visit a man at home. I could go on and on. The point being, while I may have had good reason to be fearful of new situations from my past experiences, fear has crossed over into every aspect of my life. Fear of becoming successful because it will all come tumbling down, fear of meeting new people because they will hurt me, fear of changing who I am for the better because I may lose those I love, fear of trying something new because I may very well regret it. I've been making efforts each day to recognize my fears and name them for what they really are. I notice my fears and "what ifs" pop up several times a day. I always have a constant battle waging in my mind. Fear versus Practicality. Its exhausting and irritating to realize how much I have lived my life in fear of what may or may not happen. When I walked out of my job last year and became a teacher, the fear was crushing but I was near drunk when I sent in my one month notice one evening so there was no turning back. When my teaching was taken from me by my asshole of a principal, I cried until I vomited. The fear of what I would do next was so terrifying it was all I could do to get out of bed. The depression was so heavy I had head to toe body aches. Even now, looking ahead, I have no idea what the future is holding for me. I should be terrified. I have no steady income yet and no safety net. Only a fool would not have anxiety. 

 There's something different this time. I should be afraid of this huge possibly ominous future but I'm not. I have my moments of fear but they are fleeting and a sense of calm replaces it. I believe my faith has been strengthened to the point where I am learning to be at peace in the midst of a fearful situation. Each time that sneaky feeling of fear or uncertainty starts to arise and I feel that adrenaline kicking in and I start to have tears flow, something flips the switch and I began to slow my heart rate and breathe a little easier. That battle in my mind is starting to turn to victory over my past fears and negativity. Who knew that being at peace was so far out of my comfort zone that I am amazed by it when I begin to experience it. I am learning to accept and EXPECT positive experiences and blessings instead of negativity and pain. I am learning to accept peace. I am learning to let go of fear. I'm not one who enjoys change, but this I could get used to.

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

So for the longest I thought I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but I realized while I was eating more raw foods and juicing, I had a natural burst of energy. However, for the last week or two I've had zero energy to do anything. Even getting out of bed is hard. I woke up this morning and realized for the past two weeks I haven't juiced, eaten raw, or drank my smoothies. I think the last green vegetable I had was a salad in Texas. I've been eating on the go (trying to make healthy choices but really....how healthy can a fast food grilled sandwich be?..still death on a bun) and sporadically which is definitely not good! Of course I haven't done all of this intentionally, its just been a lack of planning. If I don't plan my meals, snacks, or exercise it doesn't get done. I will say I have been doing my walking but its been so difficult because my body isn't receiving the fuel it needs. On top of that the fatigue is unbelievable!! Every morning I wake up and I have to go back to sleep. I then have 2 hours of energy and I have to take a nap, then I have 2 more hours of energy, then nap time again. Its unbelievable how crappy food sucks the energy right out of you. My body aches from head to toe, my back is killing me, and my legs are so stiff. I feel so old. Every walk is a new snap, crackle, and pop. My body feels like its been hit by a truck. So naturally, I know what to do to change this but I was just too lazy to do so. So my goal this week is to pump my body full of as many fruits and veggies as I can. I've got too much to do to be sleeping every 2 hours!!

Yeeehaw Texas!

So I came back from Texas last week and I have never done so much walking in my life. Well no that's not true I have but you know what I mean. While in Dallas I learned some very important life lessons that I began to apply immediately. The first was to stop comparing myself to others. The entire time that I was down there I constantly struggled to find someone who was bigger than me or who  dressed like me. I felt out of place as I realized I was the biggest one there. I looked at the women who walked by me and noticed their heads were held high, they all wore high heels, not a bead of sweat on any of their foreheads, and they looked like they belonged there. The first two days I spent trying to fit in, trying not to look so fat, and strategically planning every tiny detail of my day. I was embarrassed to eat so I tried not to eat in front of anyone. I remember being in my hotel room and scarfing down two little cans of beanies and weenies to hold me over until our salad for dinner. I didn't want to be looked at as different I wanted to fit in so badly. After 2 days of constant stress and worry I heard a message from one of the Nationals on stage. Her words spoke to my heart and instantly changed the way I thought. She spoke directly to me while on stage and explained how she would compare herself to others and how silly it was. As she spoke I realized that I had been putting myself down the whole time and instead of enjoying this once in a lifetime experience I was beating myself up for not being like "them".  As each speaker spoke more about confidence and believing in yourself it sank deeper into my self esteem. By the time I left the arena I felt like a switch had been turned on inside of me. Even now I cannot find the words to explain how it felt or how it changed.  As I walked through the arena and towards my shuttle I saw a woman who was gorgeous and has such a beautiful outfit on and instead of me beating myself up because I couldn't wear something like that or I wasn't that pretty, I instead walked up to her and told her how beautiful she looked.   I found myself doing that to every woman that I would normally compare myself to and by the end of that night I was looking in the mirror and telling myself the same thing. As each day went on my confidence grew and my attitude begin to change. I was speaking up more, I wasnt ashamed that I had to wear flip flops because I couldn't stand in my heels for long, I was not ashamed that I had to wear my same black skirt because I only had one in my entire wardrobe, I wasnt  ashamed that I had to bring a sweat rag to dab my forehead because of all the walking I was doing.  While I may not have had the expensive outfit or amazing ball gowns that everyone else had I didn't compare myself to them, they looked beautiful and so did I. While in Dallas I grew by leaps and bounds I came back to Charlotte a brand new person. I am hoping this transformation lasts and that I carry the messages that I heard and the lessons that I learned with me as I grow more comfortable in my own skin.

Oh and I lost 5 more pounds yeah yuh!!!!!