I'm Moving!

I've moved over to wordpress!
All of my old posts and my latest one can now be found at:

http://dangerouslycurvy.wordpress.com/

Ow, my neck, my back, my neck and my back.

So I was moving my living room around last week and ended up pulling a muscle. The hardest part of this is that I had to take a week off from my exercising and now I have to slowly build back up to my 50 minute walks. My back is healing and is still a little sore but I'm doing much better. The hardest part of having an injury is to stay on track with Eating!!! When I'm working out everyday, my body craves nourishing foods like fruits and veggies but when I'm in bed and not feeling well all I want is sweets!! The key to getting over an injury is to rest and not push yourself into a worse injury. This week I'm starting back into my exercising and even planning to incorporate swimming, good lord, me in swim trunks yes! Damn right, I'm not that confident to put all this sexiness in to a bathing suit lol. So I'm excited and ready to get this ball rolling!

Why do you want to lose weight this time?

I am often asked by those who learn about my weight loss journey why I chose to lose weight NOW. I stumble over the answers each time because I'm unsure of what to tell them. Maybe its the fact that I'm 27 and infertile because of my weight. Maybe its the fact that I was only 50 pounds away from my mothers weight when she died from obesity related health issues. Or maybe its because I was sick and tired of having the aches and pains of a 60 year old. I have so many reasons why I decided to lose weight NOW, but there is one clear answer, I want to live. Yes we could all be taken out by the hypothetical speeding car we always use in "live for the moment" scenarios, but in reality that likelihood is slim. Our habits have a greater chance of killing us than any rogue car. Losing weight is only a part of my journey, and yes while I may only be losing a pound or two a week, the fact is I am making healthier choices and leading a healthier lifestyle. I am not stuffing myself to capacity and then making myself throw it up. I'm not eating fast food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I'm not brushing off the idea of exercising. I'm not sucking down sweet teas instead of pure water. I am making changes and commitments that lead to a healthier lifestyle and the side effects of those decisions just happen to be weight loss. Of course, mentioning that I am losing weight always follows up to the question "how much have you lost?" that question is discouraging when I mention its only 10 - 15 pounds, but how can express the excitement of being able to walk 50 minutes without stopping? I cant explain how much that means to me more than the pound or two I lose each week. Yes I have my up and down days but my good days outweigh the bad. How can I get people to understand that! There are so many more accomplishments that I am so proud of that mean more to me than pounds lost. I am on my journey to be healthy and the weight i lose is just a bonus :)

Inspiring change

I had a wonderful lunch with a dear friend and her daughter and I always leave each meeting with her feeling inspired and truly blessed. She mentioned that my journey inspired her and her daughter to commit to their weight loss as well. It brought tears to my eyes to hear that my journey is helping others be the best they can be. I have always been a very private person but this journey and this blog is the one place where that has no place. I want everyone to see that it is not easy and you absolutely will fall on the way but you have to pick yourself back up and keep going, this is a marathon-not a sprint! I am so glad people are learning from my journey- it inspires me to continue to go the distance.

Keep going and don't give up! 

fear awakens

I have always lived my life in fear. 

When I look back on memories, it seems the ones of fear and pain are the first ones to arise. When I was a child I was in fear of my father, I would pray he wouldn't hurt me like he hurt his other  daughters. When I would go off to school each day, I was in fear that I would be bullied and teased worse than the day before. When I would come home, I was in fear that I would be beaten again. When I became an adult, I was afraid to bring up my molestation by a relative because I was fearful of what might happen. When I was a teen, I was afraid that my bullying at school would become worse so I dropped out and secluded myself by going into homeschool. When my cousin died, I was afraid I would lose another family member....and I did...3 followed that year. I became afraid to be more than a few hours away from my family at all time (which is why Dallas was so huge for me).  When a "dear friend" attempted to rape me in his home a few years ago, I was afraid that I would be judged because I made the decision to visit a man at home. I could go on and on. The point being, while I may have had good reason to be fearful of new situations from my past experiences, fear has crossed over into every aspect of my life. Fear of becoming successful because it will all come tumbling down, fear of meeting new people because they will hurt me, fear of changing who I am for the better because I may lose those I love, fear of trying something new because I may very well regret it. I've been making efforts each day to recognize my fears and name them for what they really are. I notice my fears and "what ifs" pop up several times a day. I always have a constant battle waging in my mind. Fear versus Practicality. Its exhausting and irritating to realize how much I have lived my life in fear of what may or may not happen. When I walked out of my job last year and became a teacher, the fear was crushing but I was near drunk when I sent in my one month notice one evening so there was no turning back. When my teaching was taken from me by my asshole of a principal, I cried until I vomited. The fear of what I would do next was so terrifying it was all I could do to get out of bed. The depression was so heavy I had head to toe body aches. Even now, looking ahead, I have no idea what the future is holding for me. I should be terrified. I have no steady income yet and no safety net. Only a fool would not have anxiety. 

 There's something different this time. I should be afraid of this huge possibly ominous future but I'm not. I have my moments of fear but they are fleeting and a sense of calm replaces it. I believe my faith has been strengthened to the point where I am learning to be at peace in the midst of a fearful situation. Each time that sneaky feeling of fear or uncertainty starts to arise and I feel that adrenaline kicking in and I start to have tears flow, something flips the switch and I began to slow my heart rate and breathe a little easier. That battle in my mind is starting to turn to victory over my past fears and negativity. Who knew that being at peace was so far out of my comfort zone that I am amazed by it when I begin to experience it. I am learning to accept and EXPECT positive experiences and blessings instead of negativity and pain. I am learning to accept peace. I am learning to let go of fear. I'm not one who enjoys change, but this I could get used to.

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

So for the longest I thought I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but I realized while I was eating more raw foods and juicing, I had a natural burst of energy. However, for the last week or two I've had zero energy to do anything. Even getting out of bed is hard. I woke up this morning and realized for the past two weeks I haven't juiced, eaten raw, or drank my smoothies. I think the last green vegetable I had was a salad in Texas. I've been eating on the go (trying to make healthy choices but really....how healthy can a fast food grilled sandwich be?..still death on a bun) and sporadically which is definitely not good! Of course I haven't done all of this intentionally, its just been a lack of planning. If I don't plan my meals, snacks, or exercise it doesn't get done. I will say I have been doing my walking but its been so difficult because my body isn't receiving the fuel it needs. On top of that the fatigue is unbelievable!! Every morning I wake up and I have to go back to sleep. I then have 2 hours of energy and I have to take a nap, then I have 2 more hours of energy, then nap time again. Its unbelievable how crappy food sucks the energy right out of you. My body aches from head to toe, my back is killing me, and my legs are so stiff. I feel so old. Every walk is a new snap, crackle, and pop. My body feels like its been hit by a truck. So naturally, I know what to do to change this but I was just too lazy to do so. So my goal this week is to pump my body full of as many fruits and veggies as I can. I've got too much to do to be sleeping every 2 hours!!

Yeeehaw Texas!

So I came back from Texas last week and I have never done so much walking in my life. Well no that's not true I have but you know what I mean. While in Dallas I learned some very important life lessons that I began to apply immediately. The first was to stop comparing myself to others. The entire time that I was down there I constantly struggled to find someone who was bigger than me or who  dressed like me. I felt out of place as I realized I was the biggest one there. I looked at the women who walked by me and noticed their heads were held high, they all wore high heels, not a bead of sweat on any of their foreheads, and they looked like they belonged there. The first two days I spent trying to fit in, trying not to look so fat, and strategically planning every tiny detail of my day. I was embarrassed to eat so I tried not to eat in front of anyone. I remember being in my hotel room and scarfing down two little cans of beanies and weenies to hold me over until our salad for dinner. I didn't want to be looked at as different I wanted to fit in so badly. After 2 days of constant stress and worry I heard a message from one of the Nationals on stage. Her words spoke to my heart and instantly changed the way I thought. She spoke directly to me while on stage and explained how she would compare herself to others and how silly it was. As she spoke I realized that I had been putting myself down the whole time and instead of enjoying this once in a lifetime experience I was beating myself up for not being like "them".  As each speaker spoke more about confidence and believing in yourself it sank deeper into my self esteem. By the time I left the arena I felt like a switch had been turned on inside of me. Even now I cannot find the words to explain how it felt or how it changed.  As I walked through the arena and towards my shuttle I saw a woman who was gorgeous and has such a beautiful outfit on and instead of me beating myself up because I couldn't wear something like that or I wasn't that pretty, I instead walked up to her and told her how beautiful she looked.   I found myself doing that to every woman that I would normally compare myself to and by the end of that night I was looking in the mirror and telling myself the same thing. As each day went on my confidence grew and my attitude begin to change. I was speaking up more, I wasnt ashamed that I had to wear flip flops because I couldn't stand in my heels for long, I was not ashamed that I had to wear my same black skirt because I only had one in my entire wardrobe, I wasnt  ashamed that I had to bring a sweat rag to dab my forehead because of all the walking I was doing.  While I may not have had the expensive outfit or amazing ball gowns that everyone else had I didn't compare myself to them, they looked beautiful and so did I. While in Dallas I grew by leaps and bounds I came back to Charlotte a brand new person. I am hoping this transformation lasts and that I carry the messages that I heard and the lessons that I learned with me as I grow more comfortable in my own skin.

Oh and I lost 5 more pounds yeah yuh!!!!!

Obesity and skin

I always wondered why I have so many skin problems my body it's nice to know there are answers.

Skin Problems and Obesity

Posted by SkinCareKatyObesity in both men and women can cause multiple illnesses including heart disease and cancer. Few people, however, think of skin problems when it comes to obesity. Obesity results in extra folds of skin that may be difficult to disinfect and keep clean. That in turn can make the skin an ideal host for bacteria and fungi. Resistances to insulin as well as vein problems are two other issues that result from obesity which can affect the skin negatively.Obese people tend to develop a skin condition called Acanthosis Nigricans, a skin disorder that results in brown and black spots. This is mainly due to the increased insulin levels. The discoloration normally appears under the arms, on the neck and sometimes in the groin area.Another skin condition related to obesity is folliculitis. It is normally due to small whiteheads around one or more of the hair follicles on the skin. Obese people are at risk for folliculitis because the extra weight puts added pressure on the hair follicles, which can damage them and allow infection to occur.Skin tags are yet another skin problem resulting from obesity. Skin can grow and stick out and may be connected with a narrow stock. Skin tags are benign and usually do not cause any pain. They are, however, more common in overweight people because the extra weight causes friction between the affected areas of skin.One obvious and major issue of the skin related to being overweight is cellulite. Cellulitis is not only a cosmetic issue that causes undesirable stretch marks. It also causes infection of the skin that is caused by bacteria. Cellulitis can cause chronic pain and tenderness in the affected area, as well as excessive sweating and muscle aches.Few people know that Obesity can be the cause of enlarged varicose veins. These veins will be raised above the skin’s surface. They are more common on the inside of the legs and backs of the calves. If the valves of a vein are weak due to obesity, blood leaks back into the vein and collects in a pool. The pooling of blood in the vein causes the vein to become enlarged. Not only varicose veins are aesthetically undesirable, they can also cause other vascular health problems.In summary, if you are suffering from weight problems, you most likely have skin problems as well. While major health concerns such as cardio and heart problems should top your agenda, it is highly recommended that you also seek help from your local dermatologist or skin clinic to address any skin issues. A healthy lifestyle comprised of a balanced diet and exercise should lead to weight loss and in turn reverse some of the skin problems.

Katy Issa
http://auralaser.com/2010/03/18/skin-problems-and-obesity/

Quiet the voices of self doubt, I claim victory

• Don't go, you don't have anything clean to wear - I threw on my gym clothes from yesterday
• You can't go, you didn't sleep enough, your body needs rest - I'll take a nap later
• You've got too much to do today already - This is the only thing that matters today
• You're doing it all alone, no one believe you'll succeed - I got God in my corner and people who believe in me
• You might as well stop now, you already binged this week, you're a failure - I claim victory in my heavenly father's name. I may fall six times, but I rise 7.
• Your stomach is growling, you need to eat, theres a burger king, come on, a breakfast sandwich won't hurt - I'll drink my protein shake and fruit when I get back. 
• It looks like it might rain, better turn back - Good, I need a shower. 
• You know how hard its going to be to get walking? You haven't walked all week - I'll push through
• Your pace is slowing, you should just stop now - Carmen said don't stop, keep going
• You need to pee - I can hold it
• Your back is hurting, better sit down - I made it before, I can make it again
• Everyone is passing you - We all run our own race
• You're almost finished, why not stop now, you've done enough - I'm not done yet
• Your time will be worse than when you first started, I bet its probably 40 minutes today - IT WAS 24:30.....anything else you have to say? I claim victory. The set backs I had this week, the internal and external pressures to fail, God has an anointing on my life and while there will always be someone or something against you, you have to push through and put your faith in him. I am learning to walk by FAITH not by SIGHT.  I may not see the end of the journey but everyday I am one step closer. I have to stay focused, shut up the self doubt, and walk in him!

Oh deep fried fat, why do you tempt me so?!

I couldn't help myself, Monday and Tuesday this week I fell victim to my binges in my weakest time - the evenings. It started with KFC for dinner on Monday, then Pizza Hut for lunch on Tuesday followed by a midnight snack of 6 Krispy Kremes Tuesday night. Not working out any of those days made me feel even worse. I felt like sh*t when I looked in the mirror. Immediately I felt my energy being zapped out of me. I just wanted to sleep. I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed. My stomach ached after being on fresh fruits and veggies and then cramming it with the high powered sludge from my binge. I emailed my walking coach with such a sense of failure but she reassured me that days like this would happen and that I need to keep going. I'm a bit nervous because I am wondering how the binges and not working out this week will affect my workout tomorrow. We will soon see.....

Ok, screw the pounds, I AM 8 MINUTES DOWN!!!!!

Today was week 2 of my 5k walk training class. Once again I was the only one to show up to the class but its okay. I've gotten over trying to get other people to join in with me and I'm focused on my own health.  I felt nervous as I sat and listened to my instructor. Last week when I walked our same path that we were about to take today, I felt like I was gonna die! I was so sore I slept all day and felt like I was hit by a truck and now this week she mentioned walking a little faster. WHAT! I doubted myself but in my heart I knew I could make it, I just had to focus on my end goal. This is my time to get fit, finally, no backing out. We went to our starting point and she hit the timer. Immediately, I noticed my pace was a little faster. As we pasted the park benches, I remembered last week how my body begged to sit down in the first few minutes. This week i blew past those suckers! As we rounded the lake and looped back to our starting point, she looked at me and said "your pace is better than last week". I noticed it too but what I focused on the most was that my body pain didn't kick in until towards the end of the walk - even then it was minimal- and I kept my pace. When we made it to our starting point she stopped the watch and I waited anxiously for her to tell me my time. I was hoping I shaved a minute or two off. My heart jumped for joy and I squealed like a little girl when the words came out of her mouth - "Last week it took you 30 minutes to walk the route, this week it only took you 22!" I jumped for joy!!!! I could not believe it! 8 MINUTES down from just one week! I was so happy I wanted to do more!

I am done with wanting a change, I am now MAKING a change!

You can do it!!

So its official yesterday I started training for my 5k, walking of course not running. When I walked my 3k in March I had to stop 3 or 4 times to sit down and my back was hurting within the first 5 minutes. I came in last at that race , & I mean dead last. this race in September I am hoping that won't happen again but if it does that's OK at least I will have finished.  When I got up yesterday I had 4 people who are supposed to walk with me but when it came down to it it was just me and the trainer. Even though it was just us she still have the class as there there was a crowd , we started with her testimony in why she started training and fitness and then we talk about why I felt the need to get in shape. Then we started our walk, since I was just starting out we were going to do a 15 minute easy walk. I let her know beforehand that because of my way I would likely be one of the slowest in the class so it was a relief that I was the only one there. I looked at the 15 minutes and thought okay I can try to do this for 15 minutes. as we started walking I only got a few feet before I started breaking out in a sweat, but we kept going. as we carried on our conversation my mind raced to find a place to sit and as if she knew what I was thinking the words came out of her mouth that made my heart pound " you want to make sure you don't stop, you can slow down but don't stop".
Huh, wait, what... But but but...CRAP!
We continued walking and my pace slowed, but I made sure I did not stop. my back was screaming out I stumbled over my feet a few times but we kept going. She looked at her watch "oh good, we are just over our 15 minutes" I thought to myself great I can sit down now, but no. we kept walking we had to get back to our starting point. I was determined to not let her see me panic. As we rounded corner of the Pond, I felt a glimmer of hope, fireworks shot of my head cheerleaders jumped out of my ears we are on our way back to the car where I could sit my ass down!! As we got closer and closer to our starting point I realized that I did not stop once. I had a tear in my eye as we got closer to our end point, and she held her stop watch for me to see. I was ecstatic to see it at 30 minutes. It may not sound like a big deal but I have not been able to walk a full solid 30 minutes without sitting down since God knows when.  If I did not have her pushing me I would have sat down at every few yards where there was a chair but instead I pushed through I broke beyond my comfort zone, went past the- I think I'm going to die zone, and ended in the- okay I think I can do this zone.   My body has been pushed that far since 3k that I walked in March. Afterwards I came home and slept for hours. Every muscle in my body ached, and still does actually. today is my day of rest and tomorrow I start my walking again. to think that I can do a 5k at my size is an insanely optimistic goal but I know I can do it and I can't wait to cross that finish line.

Quit being a pain in your own ass

Looking in the mirror this morning, instead of criticizing myself like I normally do I instead spoke love. Normally when I look in the mirror, I find ways to cover my “trouble” areas. My self-consciousness about my arm flab or my belly overhang made me feel worthless as I stepped out the house.  But not today.  I spoke words of love about each body part that made me feel uncomfortable. My arms, though big and flabby have cradled nieces and nephews at their birth, have given hugs when tears flowed from their eyes, and have provided a sense of security when they are in my presence – because they know I will defend them with every ounce of my being. My cheeks though they have increased in size over the years glow when I give my sly and sometimes devilish grin when I get ideas crazy enough that only I believe they can be accomplished. My little gap in my front teeth looks absolutely adorable when I smile, which is something I do all the time and I am told often it brightens everyone’s day. My stomach which hangs low will someday be filled with a new life that I will nurture and instill the morals and values that were instilled in me. My short legs have held me up and allowed me to continue my walk through life through the pain and devastation I have experienced. My body, though some may not like it, is mine. I have the amazing opportunity to build it the way that I want and make it an efficient machine to continue to carry me throughout my journey. I have the opportunity to see it grow in strength, shrink in size, and transform into a healthy temple that can be used to inspire others.  How amazing is that?!

While in my spiritual time this morning, the word of positive thinking and declarations seemed to pop out at every available chance. What we speak, we believe. I do not want to spend my life putting myself down and being upset over my circumstances. Instead, I am choosing to remain optimistic about where I will go and be eternally grateful for how blessed I am. The weight loss is only part of my journey; I am working on building myself spiritually and emotionally as well as physically. Be kind to yourself.

Find beauty in yourself every day.

I just want to tie my shoes

So laying in bed this morning I thought of all the extra little things that I have to do that normal people don't have to worry about. When I go to sleep at night, because the fat around the top of my chest and neck is so heavy, I actually cup my neck with my hand as I sleep to hold the fat away from my throat so i can breathe. When I do wake up it takes extra effort to get out of bed and I hobble to the bathroom with aches and pains every morning. I turn sideways to get through doors and putting on bra's is an Olympic event. So is putting on shoes for that matter. I haven't been able to tie my shoes in years, nearly 10 I bet. My shoes are always tied loosely so I can slip them on and off and I can't wear cute heels anymore because I'm self conscious about the fat that overflows from the top of them. I miss cute jeans. I miss having them hug my curves instead of now the elastic makes everything look baggy. I miss cute and stylish tops, now I'm restricted to the few fashionable and trendy tops I can find on clearance at Catherine's- the only walk in store that carries my size...period. I miss going on walks without having to plan ahead where I will be able to sit. I hate having to research every restaurant I'm going to so that I can see what their seats look like. If the chairs have arms - its a no go for me! I want to go to a football game and be able to sit in the seats. I hate having people stop and watch me get into and out of my car, or people trying to slyly take pictures of me. I'm tired of feeling like my life is passing me by. I'm tired of seeing my grandmother cry thinking about losing me like she lost my mom. I want to ride a roller coaster with my niece. I miss going camping, I used to love it but there's no way I could do it now. I miss protesting. I miss being active. I miss swimming. The last time I went swimming, the murmurs of people as they saw me walk by in my tank top and knee length shorts were devastating. "I didn't know there were whales out here" or "let me clear the lake so she can get in".

I'm tired of being different. Don't get me wrong, I celebrate my individuality and the idiosyncrasies that make me unique but I want a somewhat normal life.

 I wish this process would speed up. I see people who lose 100 pounds in 6 months and I wonder how they found the determination and will power. I need to see the struggle. I need to know that I am not alone. I guess that is one reason why I started this blog. I know there's someone else out there like me.

We could use a little "change"

So I watched the movie Forks Over Knives and I am absolutely terrified.  All my life I have eaten fried, fatty, breaded, and greasy foods.  The evidence presented in the movie was astounding! The causal link between an animal based diet and poor health was very eye opening. I’m an morbidly obese woman in my late 20s and I have high blood pressure, borderline high cholesterol, depression, and severe back pain because of my weight. As a young child, I knew we were poor but mom always made sure we ate good. While there were some nights I remember going to bed hungry,  I remember some nights we only had rice which was smothered in butter.  Everything we ate was fried to increase flavor. Our vegetables were green beans. Our fruits were….well….we didn’t eat a lot of fresh fruits. Later when we received government food boxes we had canned pork which I remember was covered in solidified grease and fat which tasted soo good when it was cooked. And sugar, oh my the sugar! Sweet tea, sugar water, kool aid, everything had sugar in it! When we got to place where we were able to have a little extra money I remember going  “fast food shopping” with mom. It was our bond. We went from KFC to Wendys to McDonalds. We ordered item after item from the menu. We didn’t have a lot of time together because she worked long hours so I enjoyed our time together and it was always food related. When I was in 3^rd 5^th grade and I weighed 230lbs, I didn’t think it was an issue. When I was 16 and had to shop in the men’s section of the store because the women’s plus size section didn’t have anything my size, I began to realize I had a problem. I started a walking program and began trying to eat better. I went vegetarian for 6 months and lost 60lbs. We couldn’t afford my “health food” so I went back to our regular diet and exploded.  Fast food and addictive food are so much easier to come by.  A 99 cent burger tastes so friggin amazing and its insanely cheap! And of course we eat salads, but we smother it in ranch dairy based dressings.  I’ve always said its cheaper to eat fat instead of healthy and that is a belief our culture has fallen victim to but I don’t know how we can change that.  How can we demand better  foods, fresher foods, reasonably priced organic foods??? How can we break our addiction to sugars and fats with our “pushers” on every street with their attractive neon colors and promises of a cheap thrill? How can we wake up to what we are doing to our bodies? How can we stop killing ourselves?

What the hell is a huckleberry?!

So I have been reading a book called “Raw Food, Real World” by Matthew Kenney and Sarma Melngailis (she was so kind to send it to me to help me in my journey-Thanks Sarma!!) and I am absolutely blown away by the raw food lifestyle. I have tried various diets before – including vegetarian in which I lost 60 lbs as a teenager before inevitably going back to meat- and all resulted in weight loss, weight gain, and overall an empty bank account. When I started reading about the raw food diet in the book, my first though was “okay, how much is this going to cost?” The thought of buying vegetables and fruits when I was…and still am…broke was a bit overwhelming. Then I thought of what I had spent just the night before - nearly $27 in pizza and wings, $20 in alcohol drinks- and I felt like an idiot. While that type of spending isn’t a nightly thing – it is nearly a weekly occurrence.  These types of meals are my “treats” and “rewards” for my healthy eating and few pounds lost. A…..how incredibly stupid to reward yourself for good eating with sludge like that…and B - How could I sit here and complain about how much it costs to eat healthy when I just spent $47 on one meal? It is amazing to me how we rationalize our behaviors and habits in order to keep our lives the way they are. I’m the first to admit, I want change but I am terrified of it.  I’ve gone through a lot of change in my life but my weight and health has always been the one thing that has stayed constant-constantly fat and unhealthy of course- but constant.   I want change but I know it will not (and has not) been an easy journey.  I have stumbled many times, had a few successes and plenty of failures, but in the end it comes back to me being afraid of change.  While I am afraid of change, the cost of staying where I am is absolute death. There is no way I will be alive in the next 10 years if I continue the pattern of weight loss and weight gain I have experienced my whole life so a change is needed.

Hang on….let me read my breadcrumb trail to see how I got on this point….

Oh, raw food, yes. As I read through the recipes of the book, I was intimidated by ingredients I vaguely remembered seeing on the shelves at stores but would never dare to try. Things like quinoa,  jicama, agave,  and huckleberries (which by the way I had no idea was a real thing!). I remember hearing these terms on various cooking shows but as far as me using them, it never crossed my mind. My diet of processed frozen foods, refined flours, sugars, and fats is what I am used to. Sure I eat fruits and vegetables – I love Brussel sprouts and watermelon, but my tastes don’t roam far from what I grew up on.  I am excited to start incorporating some raw foods into my diet but I am also nervous as well and I’m not sure why.  Maybe it’s the fear of the unknown, or maybe its my own fear of success.  Either way, I’m willing to give it a try. 

Wipe the fog off the mirror....

Had to change the title of this post, it was so harsh lol

So when I started this blog it was for an exploration of beauty, not only the realization of my outer beauty but to build my inner beauty and allow that to shine through and encourage others. Since my journey I have struggled, failed, and picked myself up. While my weight is in the process of changing, so is my sense of self worth and my self esteem. In 2007 I lost my mother, baby cousin, aunt, and my dog. In 2009 I was stalked and harassed by a stranger who saw me driving home one night and eventually tried to attack me.  That same year I was assaulted by a man who jumped through my window at a stop light and grabbed my breasts. To top off that year, a man who I considered a friend attempted to rape me when I sought advice and guidance about my then current relationship. My adventures....or misadventures if you will....with men have led me to a place where I lost all confidence in myself and did not only see myself as unworthy but repulsive. My entire life - since I was a child and my father held the gun to my mother's head as she begged for her life - my image of men has been distorted and filled with hatred. Knowing my mother left him to protect him from molesting me made me never want to be attractive to a man. I never wanted a man to be interested in me but when I turned 21 in 2007 my world turned upside down. After losing so many that I loved and cared for I felt vulnerable. I was bare and naked. I found solace in men. I jumped from man to man - I wanted the attention. I was fine being used. I dated a man who was married and who wanted me only for my body but he was my protector so I allowed it. I then moved into another relationship with a man who tried to convince me I was beautiful as he cheated with multiple women and tried to drag me into the drug lifestyle with him. I followed that up with my current relationship with a man I have dated for 3 years and am currently engaged to. While he is a sweetheart, I gave him an ultimatum this morning to show me he wanted to be with me. I have spent 3 years carrying the full financial load, being his rock, and taking care of him at my own expense. He has been a wonderful friend, but a crappy boyfriend.This morning I woke up renewed with a new sense of self worth. Looking at him sleeping in at 10 in the morning while I was up working my business at 7, I called my wedding planner and called the wedding off. I love him but I love me more. Normally, I would be distraught and look towards alcohol and men to comfort me. Right now, I'm seeking God for guidance and looking to get back to my confident self. I didn't deserve the negative that happened to me at the hands of men. I am worth more. I have value. I am worth having someone who supports me and builds me up spiritually and emotionally rather than someone who always has their hand out. I am ok with starting over. I am OK with getting back to what I stand for. I just wish I would have realized my worth years ago. I don't hate men, but I'm done hating myself.  I have renewed standards and any man who wants to me better meet them or keep steppin. I am worth it. You are worth it. Have value. Have standards. Coming from someone who has been there and done that, If they aren't building you up then they are tearing you down.

Know your worth. I found mine the hard way.

if at first you don't succeed, cry until you throw up and try again.

So as most of you know during the first part of my journey I struggled greatly with fast food and alcohol. I was doing great for a few weeks but because my calorie intake was way too low I would end up binging and my weight came back quickly with a vengeance!! When I broke down and I realized I couldn't do this my own way I went to weight watchers and signed up. I weighed 498 at their checkin and I broke down and cried the whole way home. I couldn't be mad, I did it to myself. I tried to keep my calories at 1,300 which was way too low for me and I didn't exercise as often as I should so it was a formula for weight gain. I just didn't know how much. Not to mention, I would still celebrate with food!!! How ridiculous was that! "I'm down 4 pounds, lets go eat!!" I was a mess, it could only lead to failure.  So I went to weight watchers last week and listened to the advice others gave - my biggest issue was not eating breakfast or eating too little for breakfast. My pictures of my green smoothies with two eggwhites make me laugh now. I was always hungry 20 minutes later lol. So I made the mini goal of eating breakfast everyday - not changing anything else, and I was down .6 yesterday ....and that was with a full bladder lol so I know it could be a little more! I was so proud of my little .6 loss and my Bravo stickers you would think I lost 20 lbs lol. So I learned my lesson and while I was embarrassed about the weight gain, I was more so embarrassed about having to blog about it but that is what I put myself out there for. Most women who have tried to lose weight have tried over and over and failed over and over. This is just my story. While I hope I didn't discourage anyone, I do hope that I continue my loss, even if it is only a half a pound a week.

So my mini goal for this week is to get more exercise everyday. I got the Active Link thing to help monitor my activity and hopefully it wont be a waste of money. Just wearing it makes me want to more more. So my hopes are up and I'm praying I wont blow it :)

An apple a day keeps the doctor away my ass

So, I went to my doctor yesterday and she has not seen me in over a year. She of course was not shocked at my weight since we have seen it on the incline over the past few years but she was shocked at how jovial I was. I was in a better state then when I last saw her and my outlook on life is a great deal better. In the midst of a lay off and anniversaries of my parents deaths, my mental health is as stable as it ever has been due to the power of prayer. With my latest hardship, instead of letting uncertainty ruin me, I instead chose to practice what I've preached and put everything in my Father's hands. I know he has the best plan in store for me and he knows everything that will come my way and how I will make it through, I just have to continue to trust him.  That being said, my physical body is still in its critical condition. My blood pressure was lower yesterday than the last time I had it checked. Yesterday was 150/100 and before that it was 180/100. Which is insanely high and instantly made me fearful of stroke. Then came the talk of my weight. She had not seen me since my recent 30lb weight gain and before that it was a 75lb weight gain. When we last spoke, she had referred me to a weight loss clinic which was great however it was a bit pricey and I could not afford it. From there we decided it was best to have surgery but then I let her know that I explored that path and I weighed too much to have surgery safely. I remember when I attended the bariatric surgery seminar and my heart was broken when I found out I would have to lose nearly 100lbs before I could be a candidate for surgery. Too fat for weight loss surgery. Wow, that hurt!  From then I had only gained weight instead of losing it. While weight loss surgery may be something I would consider, I am trying it the old fashioned way first. A surgery will not fix my eating habits, my exercise habits, or my food choices. It will still fail if I do not work on me and choose to do better. That being said, I left the doctors office with two prescriptions for my blood pressure and went right to the health store. If I can't eat right, I need to retrain myself. In the mean time, with my weight being dangerously close to the weight of my mother when she died and my weight coming off at a snails pace, I decided to start incorporating a meal replacement shake into my diet. Honestly, I thought long and hard (giggidy) about incorporating a meal shake into my diet but I finally decided on it. I am scared of being this weight and with the anniversary of my mother's death on Tuesday, I just remembered how I now have similar aches and pains in my body and how her body was unable to continue the fight. Then I thought of how everynight I have to lay in bed and hold my neck so I can breathe because of the fat pushing in on it. I thought of how my back hurts after standing for too long. I thought about my blood pressure being at stroke level. I thought of the panic attacks I have constantly because of my body.

So, I am going to start drinking a protein shake as a meal replacement and hopefully will see a greater drop in my weight at my next weigh in. I won't be replacing all my meals with the shake, I will let you know through trial and error which meals work best. I will also still incorporate my fruits and veggies into my day. I am just scared yall. I got to do something.

So, stay tuned, I will give you an outline of my meal plan.
I am also going back to incorporating my daily vitamin and my fish oil into my day. I go back to the doctor in a month and hopefully my numbers will make her jump for joy.

Scale Down!

So, my scale broke...as you will remember, scales that go up to 500 lbs are nearly impossible to find! After buying....and breaking.... two, I joined Weight Watchers to use their scale. Yes that's right, I had to join weight watchers to use their scale since mine broke and I couldn't find another that went up to my weight. Embarrassing...yes,but necessary. I decided that since I'm using their scale I might as well give their plan a try. I tried Weight Watchers before but not consistently, I found that counting points was too annoying and time consuming so I quit. The price was a bit much for me at the time and actually still is but it's worth a whirl. So, I'll still be giving my weekly weight updates but I may also do some reflecting on the weekly topics as well. either way, it sucks what you have to go through to find out your weight when you're this size.

To start off with, my points value is 71 points. That sounds like a heck of a lot to me considering others are eating 30 to 40 points. I am skeptical of this working but until I find a new scale this is what I'm in for.