fear awakens

I have always lived my life in fear. 

When I look back on memories, it seems the ones of fear and pain are the first ones to arise. When I was a child I was in fear of my father, I would pray he wouldn't hurt me like he hurt his other  daughters. When I would go off to school each day, I was in fear that I would be bullied and teased worse than the day before. When I would come home, I was in fear that I would be beaten again. When I became an adult, I was afraid to bring up my molestation by a relative because I was fearful of what might happen. When I was a teen, I was afraid that my bullying at school would become worse so I dropped out and secluded myself by going into homeschool. When my cousin died, I was afraid I would lose another family member....and I did...3 followed that year. I became afraid to be more than a few hours away from my family at all time (which is why Dallas was so huge for me).  When a "dear friend" attempted to rape me in his home a few years ago, I was afraid that I would be judged because I made the decision to visit a man at home. I could go on and on. The point being, while I may have had good reason to be fearful of new situations from my past experiences, fear has crossed over into every aspect of my life. Fear of becoming successful because it will all come tumbling down, fear of meeting new people because they will hurt me, fear of changing who I am for the better because I may lose those I love, fear of trying something new because I may very well regret it. I've been making efforts each day to recognize my fears and name them for what they really are. I notice my fears and "what ifs" pop up several times a day. I always have a constant battle waging in my mind. Fear versus Practicality. Its exhausting and irritating to realize how much I have lived my life in fear of what may or may not happen. When I walked out of my job last year and became a teacher, the fear was crushing but I was near drunk when I sent in my one month notice one evening so there was no turning back. When my teaching was taken from me by my asshole of a principal, I cried until I vomited. The fear of what I would do next was so terrifying it was all I could do to get out of bed. The depression was so heavy I had head to toe body aches. Even now, looking ahead, I have no idea what the future is holding for me. I should be terrified. I have no steady income yet and no safety net. Only a fool would not have anxiety. 

 There's something different this time. I should be afraid of this huge possibly ominous future but I'm not. I have my moments of fear but they are fleeting and a sense of calm replaces it. I believe my faith has been strengthened to the point where I am learning to be at peace in the midst of a fearful situation. Each time that sneaky feeling of fear or uncertainty starts to arise and I feel that adrenaline kicking in and I start to have tears flow, something flips the switch and I began to slow my heart rate and breathe a little easier. That battle in my mind is starting to turn to victory over my past fears and negativity. Who knew that being at peace was so far out of my comfort zone that I am amazed by it when I begin to experience it. I am learning to accept and EXPECT positive experiences and blessings instead of negativity and pain. I am learning to accept peace. I am learning to let go of fear. I'm not one who enjoys change, but this I could get used to.