Wipe the fog off the mirror....

Had to change the title of this post, it was so harsh lol

So when I started this blog it was for an exploration of beauty, not only the realization of my outer beauty but to build my inner beauty and allow that to shine through and encourage others. Since my journey I have struggled, failed, and picked myself up. While my weight is in the process of changing, so is my sense of self worth and my self esteem. In 2007 I lost my mother, baby cousin, aunt, and my dog. In 2009 I was stalked and harassed by a stranger who saw me driving home one night and eventually tried to attack me.  That same year I was assaulted by a man who jumped through my window at a stop light and grabbed my breasts. To top off that year, a man who I considered a friend attempted to rape me when I sought advice and guidance about my then current relationship. My adventures....or misadventures if you will....with men have led me to a place where I lost all confidence in myself and did not only see myself as unworthy but repulsive. My entire life - since I was a child and my father held the gun to my mother's head as she begged for her life - my image of men has been distorted and filled with hatred. Knowing my mother left him to protect him from molesting me made me never want to be attractive to a man. I never wanted a man to be interested in me but when I turned 21 in 2007 my world turned upside down. After losing so many that I loved and cared for I felt vulnerable. I was bare and naked. I found solace in men. I jumped from man to man - I wanted the attention. I was fine being used. I dated a man who was married and who wanted me only for my body but he was my protector so I allowed it. I then moved into another relationship with a man who tried to convince me I was beautiful as he cheated with multiple women and tried to drag me into the drug lifestyle with him. I followed that up with my current relationship with a man I have dated for 3 years and am currently engaged to. While he is a sweetheart, I gave him an ultimatum this morning to show me he wanted to be with me. I have spent 3 years carrying the full financial load, being his rock, and taking care of him at my own expense. He has been a wonderful friend, but a crappy boyfriend.This morning I woke up renewed with a new sense of self worth. Looking at him sleeping in at 10 in the morning while I was up working my business at 7, I called my wedding planner and called the wedding off. I love him but I love me more. Normally, I would be distraught and look towards alcohol and men to comfort me. Right now, I'm seeking God for guidance and looking to get back to my confident self. I didn't deserve the negative that happened to me at the hands of men. I am worth more. I have value. I am worth having someone who supports me and builds me up spiritually and emotionally rather than someone who always has their hand out. I am ok with starting over. I am OK with getting back to what I stand for. I just wish I would have realized my worth years ago. I don't hate men, but I'm done hating myself.  I have renewed standards and any man who wants to me better meet them or keep steppin. I am worth it. You are worth it. Have value. Have standards. Coming from someone who has been there and done that, If they aren't building you up then they are tearing you down.

Know your worth. I found mine the hard way.

if at first you don't succeed, cry until you throw up and try again.

So as most of you know during the first part of my journey I struggled greatly with fast food and alcohol. I was doing great for a few weeks but because my calorie intake was way too low I would end up binging and my weight came back quickly with a vengeance!! When I broke down and I realized I couldn't do this my own way I went to weight watchers and signed up. I weighed 498 at their checkin and I broke down and cried the whole way home. I couldn't be mad, I did it to myself. I tried to keep my calories at 1,300 which was way too low for me and I didn't exercise as often as I should so it was a formula for weight gain. I just didn't know how much. Not to mention, I would still celebrate with food!!! How ridiculous was that! "I'm down 4 pounds, lets go eat!!" I was a mess, it could only lead to failure.  So I went to weight watchers last week and listened to the advice others gave - my biggest issue was not eating breakfast or eating too little for breakfast. My pictures of my green smoothies with two eggwhites make me laugh now. I was always hungry 20 minutes later lol. So I made the mini goal of eating breakfast everyday - not changing anything else, and I was down .6 yesterday ....and that was with a full bladder lol so I know it could be a little more! I was so proud of my little .6 loss and my Bravo stickers you would think I lost 20 lbs lol. So I learned my lesson and while I was embarrassed about the weight gain, I was more so embarrassed about having to blog about it but that is what I put myself out there for. Most women who have tried to lose weight have tried over and over and failed over and over. This is just my story. While I hope I didn't discourage anyone, I do hope that I continue my loss, even if it is only a half a pound a week.

So my mini goal for this week is to get more exercise everyday. I got the Active Link thing to help monitor my activity and hopefully it wont be a waste of money. Just wearing it makes me want to more more. So my hopes are up and I'm praying I wont blow it :)

An apple a day keeps the doctor away my ass

So, I went to my doctor yesterday and she has not seen me in over a year. She of course was not shocked at my weight since we have seen it on the incline over the past few years but she was shocked at how jovial I was. I was in a better state then when I last saw her and my outlook on life is a great deal better. In the midst of a lay off and anniversaries of my parents deaths, my mental health is as stable as it ever has been due to the power of prayer. With my latest hardship, instead of letting uncertainty ruin me, I instead chose to practice what I've preached and put everything in my Father's hands. I know he has the best plan in store for me and he knows everything that will come my way and how I will make it through, I just have to continue to trust him.  That being said, my physical body is still in its critical condition. My blood pressure was lower yesterday than the last time I had it checked. Yesterday was 150/100 and before that it was 180/100. Which is insanely high and instantly made me fearful of stroke. Then came the talk of my weight. She had not seen me since my recent 30lb weight gain and before that it was a 75lb weight gain. When we last spoke, she had referred me to a weight loss clinic which was great however it was a bit pricey and I could not afford it. From there we decided it was best to have surgery but then I let her know that I explored that path and I weighed too much to have surgery safely. I remember when I attended the bariatric surgery seminar and my heart was broken when I found out I would have to lose nearly 100lbs before I could be a candidate for surgery. Too fat for weight loss surgery. Wow, that hurt!  From then I had only gained weight instead of losing it. While weight loss surgery may be something I would consider, I am trying it the old fashioned way first. A surgery will not fix my eating habits, my exercise habits, or my food choices. It will still fail if I do not work on me and choose to do better. That being said, I left the doctors office with two prescriptions for my blood pressure and went right to the health store. If I can't eat right, I need to retrain myself. In the mean time, with my weight being dangerously close to the weight of my mother when she died and my weight coming off at a snails pace, I decided to start incorporating a meal replacement shake into my diet. Honestly, I thought long and hard (giggidy) about incorporating a meal shake into my diet but I finally decided on it. I am scared of being this weight and with the anniversary of my mother's death on Tuesday, I just remembered how I now have similar aches and pains in my body and how her body was unable to continue the fight. Then I thought of how everynight I have to lay in bed and hold my neck so I can breathe because of the fat pushing in on it. I thought of how my back hurts after standing for too long. I thought about my blood pressure being at stroke level. I thought of the panic attacks I have constantly because of my body.

So, I am going to start drinking a protein shake as a meal replacement and hopefully will see a greater drop in my weight at my next weigh in. I won't be replacing all my meals with the shake, I will let you know through trial and error which meals work best. I will also still incorporate my fruits and veggies into my day. I am just scared yall. I got to do something.

So, stay tuned, I will give you an outline of my meal plan.
I am also going back to incorporating my daily vitamin and my fish oil into my day. I go back to the doctor in a month and hopefully my numbers will make her jump for joy.

Scale Down!

So, my scale broke...as you will remember, scales that go up to 500 lbs are nearly impossible to find! After buying....and breaking.... two, I joined Weight Watchers to use their scale. Yes that's right, I had to join weight watchers to use their scale since mine broke and I couldn't find another that went up to my weight. Embarrassing...yes,but necessary. I decided that since I'm using their scale I might as well give their plan a try. I tried Weight Watchers before but not consistently, I found that counting points was too annoying and time consuming so I quit. The price was a bit much for me at the time and actually still is but it's worth a whirl. So, I'll still be giving my weekly weight updates but I may also do some reflecting on the weekly topics as well. either way, it sucks what you have to go through to find out your weight when you're this size.

To start off with, my points value is 71 points. That sounds like a heck of a lot to me considering others are eating 30 to 40 points. I am skeptical of this working but until I find a new scale this is what I'm in for.

cant I just take a cab there?

so, today I came to the realization that maybe it isn't all water weight that I have gained over the past week. The zipper on my pants has been a struggle to keep up and without getting on the scale I think I did gain a few pounds from what I lost which is very upsetting. But, should I really be surprised? I have been very lax on my eating plan for the past week and I have had quite a few slip ups- all in the evening when I am at my most vulnerable. When I started this blog last month my whole reasoning behind it was to chart my journey to being healthy not only the good posts but also the bad. this is one of the "bads". I've read plenty of weight loss blogs over the year and very few have mentioned a weight gain or tell about the when you constantly slip up and want to quit. they focus on the positive I want to be realistic I want you to see my struggle. it has been a struggle it is not easy.everyday I have to fight with myself to not overeat or make unhealthy food choices something that most people do not have to give a second thought to. It is exhausting. It is frustrating. At times it is discouraging.my mind is constantly preoccupied with my wait and my overall health.I'm just tired. Tired of always having to battle. I look at the road ahead and the task I have before me is so daunting that it's mentally exhausting.I wish I could fast forward and skip the daily struggle but since I know that is not possible I am in for a long long journey.

Dun Dun Dunnnnnnn

Note to self, do not weigh when its that time of the month. I got on the scale Thursday and nearly cried when I saw it showed a weight gain. I didn't pay attention to the fact that I hadn't taken my blood pressure pills or my water pills and that my feet were so swollen they could barely fit in my shoes. The monthly bloating that we go through as women is already frustrating enough, to add stepping on to a scale makes us nearly suicidal. So, Note to self -  DONT DO IT!

This week I tried something new to keep me from my frequent fast food stops on the way home from work. I put a bag of granola in the car and when I thought about stopping to get something to eat I snacked on the granola. It kept me satisfied and kept my mind occupied away from fast food. I am still doing a poor job with planning throughout the day though, I usually just throw foods together without calculating the calories before hand and at the end of the day I am either drastically under my calorie goal and starving, or insanely over my calorie goal and depressed. With it being Sunday, I am going to plan out my meals for the week WITH calories so that my meals can be as balanced and planned as possible.