So when I started this blog it was for an exploration of beauty, not only the realization of my outer beauty but to build my inner beauty and allow that to shine through and encourage others. Since my journey I have struggled, failed, and picked myself up. While my weight is in the process of changing, so is my sense of self worth and my self esteem. In 2007 I lost my mother, baby cousin, aunt, and my dog. In 2009 I was stalked and harassed by a stranger who saw me driving home one night and eventually tried to attack me. That same year I was assaulted by a man who jumped through my window at a stop light and grabbed my breasts. To top off that year, a man who I considered a friend attempted to rape me when I sought advice and guidance about my then current relationship. My adventures....or misadventures if you will....with men have led me to a place where I lost all confidence in myself and did not only see myself as unworthy but repulsive. My entire life - since I was a child and my father held the gun to my mother's head as she begged for her life - my image of men has been distorted and filled with hatred. Knowing my mother left him to protect him from molesting me made me never want to be attractive to a man. I never wanted a man to be interested in me but when I turned 21 in 2007 my world turned upside down. After losing so many that I loved and cared for I felt vulnerable. I was bare and naked. I found solace in men. I jumped from man to man - I wanted the attention. I was fine being used. I dated a man who was married and who wanted me only for my body but he was my protector so I allowed it. I then moved into another relationship with a man who tried to convince me I was beautiful as he cheated with multiple women and tried to drag me into the drug lifestyle with him. I followed that up with my current relationship with a man I have dated for 3 years and am currently engaged to. While he is a sweetheart, I gave him an ultimatum this morning to show me he wanted to be with me. I have spent 3 years carrying the full financial load, being his rock, and taking care of him at my own expense. He has been a wonderful friend, but a crappy boyfriend.This morning I woke up renewed with a new sense of self worth. Looking at him sleeping in at 10 in the morning while I was up working my business at 7, I called my wedding planner and called the wedding off. I love him but I love me more. Normally, I would be distraught and look towards alcohol and men to comfort me. Right now, I'm seeking God for guidance and looking to get back to my confident self. I didn't deserve the negative that happened to me at the hands of men. I am worth more. I have value. I am worth having someone who supports me and builds me up spiritually and emotionally rather than someone who always has their hand out. I am ok with starting over. I am OK with getting back to what I stand for. I just wish I would have realized my worth years ago. I don't hate men, but I'm done hating myself. I have renewed standards and any man who wants to me better meet them or keep steppin. I am worth it. You are worth it. Have value. Have standards. Coming from someone who has been there and done that, If they aren't building you up then they are tearing you down.
Know your worth. I found mine the hard way.
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