So laying in bed this morning I thought of all the extra little things that I have to do that normal people don't have to worry about. When I go to sleep at night, because the fat around the top of my chest and neck is so heavy, I actually cup my neck with my hand as I sleep to hold the fat away from my throat so i can breathe. When I do wake up it takes extra effort to get out of bed and I hobble to the bathroom with aches and pains every morning. I turn sideways to get through doors and putting on bra's is an Olympic event. So is putting on shoes for that matter. I haven't been able to tie my shoes in years, nearly 10 I bet. My shoes are always tied loosely so I can slip them on and off and I can't wear cute heels anymore because I'm self conscious about the fat that overflows from the top of them. I miss cute jeans. I miss having them hug my curves instead of now the elastic makes everything look baggy. I miss cute and stylish tops, now I'm restricted to the few fashionable and trendy tops I can find on clearance at Catherine's- the only walk in store that carries my size...period. I miss going on walks without having to plan ahead where I will be able to sit. I hate having to research every restaurant I'm going to so that I can see what their seats look like. If the chairs have arms - its a no go for me! I want to go to a football game and be able to sit in the seats. I hate having people stop and watch me get into and out of my car, or people trying to slyly take pictures of me. I'm tired of feeling like my life is passing me by. I'm tired of seeing my grandmother cry thinking about losing me like she lost my mom. I want to ride a roller coaster with my niece. I miss going camping, I used to love it but there's no way I could do it now. I miss protesting. I miss being active. I miss swimming. The last time I went swimming, the murmurs of people as they saw me walk by in my tank top and knee length shorts were devastating. "I didn't know there were whales out here" or "let me clear the lake so she can get in".
I'm tired of being different. Don't get me wrong, I celebrate my individuality and the idiosyncrasies that make me unique but I want a somewhat normal life.
I wish this process would speed up. I see people who lose 100 pounds in 6 months and I wonder how they found the determination and will power. I need to see the struggle. I need to know that I am not alone. I guess that is one reason why I started this blog. I know there's someone else out there like me.
Hi Sondra. You are most definitely not alone. I'm so sorry that people can be so cruel. I think that those of us who suffer with eating issues suffer the most because everyone can see our issue. No one can necessarily see a drug addict, alcoholic, wife beater, rageaholic. But they see our issue. Often our issue was brought about because of abuse or neglect to us as children. So when they make comments like they do, it's like kicking an already injured person. Sondra, I attend OA phone meetings and they are the first thing, along with my OA sponsor, that's really helped me get sane with my eating. There's a great phone meeting at 9:45am that I often attend. You can find more info on oa.org. I don't know if it's for you. It might not be. But I'm just sharing my experience. Sending Love Your Way, Kristin
ReplyDeleteI agree. I heard of OA before, I will definitely call into to a meeting. Its incredibly difficult to do this on my own and my weight watcher meetings aren't providing the support I would like. I cannot thank you enough for sharing. :)
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