My 10 Committments

Instead of me going about my weight loss in a scattered manner, I am creating a plan that hopefully will help me lose weight without feeling hungry or obsessing about everything I put in my mouth....giggidy.


So first things first....
1. I am committing to drink at least 64oz of water a day
2. I am committing to eliminating fast food from my  (THIS will be a Challenge!!!)
3. I am committing to eating a minimum of 2 servings of fruit and 3 servings of vegetables a day (I usually meet this requirement with my breakfast kale smoothie)
4. I am committing to make a conscious effort to avoid overly processed foods
5. I am committing to avoid fried foods and excessively fatty foods.
6. I am committing to become more active daily, it may not be a full 30 minute workout but at least walking more and talking a walk around my neighborhood daily.
7. I am committing to increase my time with God daily. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, that includes my efforts to lose weight.
8. I will log everything I eat through the "MyFitnessPal" app daily
9. I will plan my meals the night before, Failure to Plan, is Planning to Fail
10. I will limit breads and white grains - Again this will be difficult since I eat white rice or bread at nearly every meal but it is possible. I will make make the exception for brown rice and whole wheat breads - but I will watch my portions.


I am hoping the scale will drop more by this time next week.

Today was a good day

Today I went to my sister's 30th birthday party and congratulated myself for not touching the cupcakes or ice cream. Instead I had a banana and water. I instead of focusing on food I focused on being around family and laughing my butt off like I always do. I even had my sister teach me how to play spades. It was a blast. Tomorrow for memorial day, I am planning a cook out at my house so I can control the food that will be available. So far I am sticking with grilled vegetables, grilled lean meats, and I requested no deserts and only fruit. My main focus will again be on spending time with family and having fun. I can't wait!




On the downside, I haven't walked in a week and I was feeling like "All that and a bag of chips" until I tried to go walking today. I got .25 miles and my back started killing me. After a week of inactivity, it was like starting from square one again. I did rebound quicker after a few minutes of resting but still. I have to stay active everyday, for me it is not an option. If I miss several days in a row, my body goes back to its atrophy and I can feel the deterioration. I am going to start walking around my neighborhood at least once a day so that I can keep my stamina up.

So true

My new kicks

New walking shoes from Run4YourLife Charlotte.  Its amazing how different the right shoes feel. My back pain subsided instantly. So worth the money! !!

Weekly Weigh in

Weigh In 5/25: 480lbs
Even with me keeping my food intake in control, without fitness and exercise I will not lose the weight I want. Today I am 480 lbs. Not nearly enough weight lost and my recent slip ups and binges from me cutting calories too low have lead the scale not to budge. However, I am going on my walk today and hopefully with me fitting in walking daily, even for 20 minutes, I can make the scale budge more in my favor. However, even though the scale did not show the weight loss that I wanted, I am thrilled that I can now walk a mile without pain. When I walked my 3k a few weeks ago, I stopped 3 times to rest and within the first five minutes my back was killing me. My body is getting stronger and I am able to feel it so that means the world to me. However, I still gotta make that scale move!!!

Starting Weight: 491lb
Today's Weight: 480lbs
Total Weight loss Since 5/4/2013:  11 pounds

Nothing will change without exercise

So this has been a difficult week for me. I found out on last Friday that I would be without a job on June 10th and with my fiance unemployed as well, the pressure is on. My faith is strong however and I know God has a plan for me. That being said, I have been in a "funk" all week and haven't gone to work out. As I stepped on the scale this morning and it read 480 lbs, I was reminded that I cannot lose weight without adequate exercise. My calorie intake is still around 2,000 (the 1200 was too low for me and I ended up binging nightly) and I have still cut the majority of alcohol out of my life which has greatly helped my energy level and has helped me stay focused on my weight loss. Normally when I drink I could care less about what I eat, as a matter of fact, I usually crave Chinese and eat until I vomit. I have been working so hard and trying to stay on track but man oh man, I have slipped and tripped the entire way but at least my slip ups aren't as big as they normally are.  Yesterday, I went to an all you can eat buffet and was so proud that I stuck to one plate instead of my usual 3. I also selected seafood and chicken instead of heavily sauced items or piling my plate with deep fried items. I reminded myself that the key to weight loss is making small changes versus making big changes all at once.I also realized that my slip ups come more often when I am starving. This can be remedied by me packing snacks throughout the day and ensuring I have little snacks (almonds, etc) in the car so I am not tempted to stop by a fast food place. I will be starting that today. I am also happy to report that I am starting a bible study and walking club under the direction of a fitness trainer that helped my aunt run her first 5k. At the end of the eight weeks we will walk a 5k. Once I am done with that I am hoping to eventually move into running. I see people running everyday and they speak so highly of it, I want to be fit and turn my body into the machine that they have. I see it, I want it, I am going for it.

SIGH... a slip up and a lay off.

So on Friday my boss told me I would not have a job after June 10th. My heart broke because I love my job and I love the students I work with.  I immediately began to think of the fact that my fiance is unemployed as well and we are behind on our rent from me being the sole provider. We cried together. After 4 hours of crying and eating a cheesecake with pizza I fell asleep and woke up on Saturday still upset but ready to get back on track and move forward. It is what it is, I just have to move forward. Sure I am upset and my anxiety is through the roof but I have to belief that God has a bigger plan for me.

My weekly weigh in this week was the same as last week but I think that could be due to water weight from Friday nights fast food. My fingers are like sausages today! While I was upset about my overeating, I accepted what I did and did not force myself to vomit as I normally do when I binge. Also, instead of beating myself up I decided to take my slip and move on. Today I got back on track and am looking forward to my next weigh in. I would have liked to handle my depression from Friday in a different and healthier manner but I wasn't sure of what to do so I went back to normal habits. I've never been good at handling stress and depression, hence the reason I was 491 lbs in the first place. I woke up this morning and instead of crying again over my job situation, I prayed until I feel asleep. I know God will not only help me in my job situation but he appreciates me taking the journey to take care of the body he gave me. I may slip up but who doesn't? The key is making sure I get right back on track.

Weekly Weigh In

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So I fully committed myself to weight loss on Saturday May 4th with a weight of 491 and a 3k walk. Today, my weight is 483 lbs and I am feeling good. The biggest issue for me has been cutting down on alcohol and cutting out fast food has been incredibly difficult since I usually eat it on the way home.  That being said, I would like to add more exercise to my program and monitor my calories more closely. Either way, 8lb loss is good to me! :)

Getting back to her

So its no surprise that I use alcohol and food to cope with my emotions. I've been to therapists over the years and that got me no where because I refuse to open up - ironic that I have a blog. This weekend is mother's day weekend which is always emotional to me since my mother died in 2007 and it will be soon followed by father's day - which used to mean nothing to me but it has now become emotional because of tumultuous relationship with my father as a child and our mending as I was an adult before his death. On top of that there is the stress of work as a first year teacher, the stress of being on a single income with my fiance out of work, and then trying to lose weight and stop drinking.

Well - yesterday the stress got to me and I pigged out on McDonald's and I drank a four loko after withdrawal symptoms were just too much for me. Picking up the phone and calling a friend I got some what I call "TI Real Talk".  While I didn't get chewed out for drinking or pigging out, I did get chewed out for covering up the underlying issues and beating myself up. I've never coped with emotions well. When I was younger and depressed, I turned to music and food. When I got older, I turned to alcohol and unhealthy relationships to keep me occupied - not realizing that those added to the negative emotions and created a vicious cycle. Adding in the loss of my mother, my aunt, and my niece the alcohol and eating kept me from killing myself. Topped that off with betrayal from the one I used to love, having a stranger stalk and try to attack me, an attempted rape from a close friend, and I have become a distant memory of the vibrant, confident, woman with high self esteem that I used to be. I packed on over 100 extra pounds and my self esteem has plummeted. Yes, only 100 or so pounds. I loved myself when I was 350-390 pounds. I felt sexy, I felt confident, and I was very active - walking for hours a day. I was outspoken, I was a firecracker.  I am now more reserved, my clothes cover nearly every inch of my body. I'm more aware of my flabby arms, my double chin, my wobbly walk. I used to look in the mirror and think I looked so sexy, now usually I think "OK, how do I not look like 500lbs?" I used to love to be the center of attention and now I love to hide. So, when this person pointed out those changes, I realized they were right. I am a distant memory of what I used to be and I hate that. I was overweight but I was happy. I didn't make excuses, I owned my flaws and loved them. And busy? I worked 3 jobs and went to school and still had a social life. Now, my free time is spent sleeping. I used to think it was because I was getting older, but no, its because I have no energy from my weight or I'm drunk. So after taking a verbal beating of "realness" from this person, I went to sleep and slept on it. I woke up this morning with a clear mind but an overpowering urge to be alone and connect with myself. I have to find out what internal stresses are driving me to overeat and drink because the external stresses are very obvious but theres more to them. So today, I'm going to put on my makeup, my cute clothes, my cute shoes, and force myself to be the girl I used to be. I'm going to force myself to be confident and hope that it will jog my memory of a time when I was happier and I can find out what has changed internally.

I miss me

Patience....

Patience.

I am the most impatient person I know, I want what I want when I want it…which is usually right now. Patience is a virtue that I have not yet mastered but desperately need to. I have to remember that as long as I continue to do my part, God will do his, and my weight will come off. In the past, I would starve myself, fast, purge after a binge, or keep my calories so unrealistically low that 10 lbs would fly off in the first week. I felt ecstatic that I lost 10lbs and it became my goal to lose 10lbs every week. I knew deep down this was unrealistic but I tried anyway….and failed….and gained everything back that I lost. I would rush. I would sprint towards the goal line instead of taking steady steps. So while I wish I had a fantastic weight update that I dropped 20lbs in a week, I don’t. It’s been only a pound or two, but I’m okay with that. I am not starving, I am not binging, and I am taking this one day at a time. What’s wrong with that?

Where did it all begin

I am always asked by friends and those who know me how I got to be this big. To be honest, I don't know. I've never had a healthy relationship with food. When I was little, we were very poor. I don't mean, broke, I mean poor - as in I wore my grandma's hand me Downs and we often went without dinner. I distinctly remember one time where I was talking to my Sunday school teacher about being hungry and how we had no food. Later that week they showed up at my house with bags and bags full of food. My mother was in tears and all she could do was thank God. She asked what I told them, and I told her I told them the truth. Growing up without nutritious meals readily available, whenever food came into my presence I felt the need to consume it all since I didn't know when it would come again. I distinctly remember as a teen, when my mother had extra money we would go fast food shopping - visiting several fast food restaurant drivethrus and eating everything we ordered. Of course by that time I was already overweight for my age. Everything seemed normal. When my mother weighed 500lbs, I didn't see it as out of the ordinary, she was fine to me. when she died at 550lbs, I didn't consider her weight to be an issue. now, at nearly 500lbs myself, I am terrified. I constantly relive the moments of her life. "my back is hurting, this is how mom was before she died. I'm sleeping all the time, this is how mom was before she died, etc." I am constantly comparing my life to hers and it is terrifying. She died at only 45 with so much ahead of her and I am certain I am heading down the same path. Everyday is a struggle. I grew up with an unhealthy relationship with food and to try to mend that relationship now is more than I can handle. Its more difficult than I thought. I want to cut out food completely but I realize that is not realistic. I have to find that perfect medium. That balance that I have never known. It is harder than I thought and more difficult than people realize.

Last one in

So yesterday, I walked a 3k in support of HIV/AIDS awareness. This is a cause I hold near to my heart since I lost my uncle and my father to diseases that were worsened by their HIV/AIDS status. The day before the walk I contemplated every way to get out of it. I knew I couldn't walk two miles, the last time I tried I had to stop and sit down 5 times and it took me nearly two hours to finish. I was determined to participate though, my family was going to be there and I didn't want to let them down. I could have stayed home, I recently got bronchitis and my doctor wanted me to rest but I knew I would regret it if I backed out. So the morning of the walk, I laced up my shoes, popped a few pain pills to deal with what was to come, and headed out. I was already sweating as I walked from the parking lot to the checkin area. That all too familiar pain in my lowerback started to rear its hideous head, I had to sit down. This was NOT good. I hadn't even started walking and already I was tired! I felt a fleeting feeling of shame but my family ensured me that we would make it. As we started the walk, the pace was slow - nearly a crawl - I thought "Hmm, I could do this". But as soon as we turned the corner we hit a slight uphill portion, my back was already starting to whimper as I trudged up the small hill. I saw grown men in front of me walking in heels with no problem (yes, thats right) and dug down to continue. A few blocks in and I started sinking further and further from the middle of the walk to the end. At the halfway point, I found a bench and had to rest. I looked behind me and saw the pacer car. There were only 3 people behind me. This gave me a quick motivation to walk a little quicker. I talked with my aunt as I walked to keep myself from the pain, by now my back was numb from pain. Normally, I have problems walking around a grocery store without holding on to a cart let alone trying to do a 3k walk. I wanted to quit. With only a half of a mile to go I felt my legs buckled and I had to rest. I played it off as my bronchitis but in reality I felt  like I was about to die. My heart was pounding, my back was aching, I wanted to cry and drive home. Then as I looked up I saw the pacer car go by. I would be the last person to finish the race. My aunt gave me encouragement and with a deep breath I stood one last time and decided I wasn't going to stop to the end. As we neared the finish line the pain started to ease and my aunt gave me an enormous hug. "I'm so proud of you" she said as I wobbled to the nearest wall to sit on. I did it. With my sister, my niece, my nephew, my aunt, and my sister's best friend by my side - I did it. I didn't care that I was the last one in. I didn't care that I had to sit down immediately.  An overwhelming sense of pride washed over me and my back pain disappeared. I felt like I could do anything - and then I stood up and my body yelled at me to sit the hell back down - I listened. But in my mind- I could do anything! I'm wondering if my motivation will stay at this level and I am hoping it will. Instead of being angry with myself for letting my weight get this out of control, I am excited to be taking charge of my health.

I hope I can make it....

Sondra

Running towards the light

I am still in the beginning of my weight loss journey and I'll admit I am very impatient. I look at how long I have to go and how long it will take this weight off and I feel like giving up. While these thoughts are brief and fleeting, they are still dangerous. They usually come when I am having a bad day, in an extreme craving, or if I am bored. I'm constantly looking for excuses to quit just because it is easier to stay this way. To look at losing over 300lbs is daunting and it seems nearly impossible. When this happens I try desperately to focus on how far I have come in life in general. I have been through hell and back and through dark tunnels I thought would never end. There is an end to everything and when it comes to a negative situation, sometimes I have to be the bigger person (pun definitely intended) and take the first step towards moving out of the darkness. I'm going to try. Will it take years? Probably. Will I want to quit? Definitely. Will I fall and slip up? Of course. But I can not let myself give into defeat and allow my own self doubts and laziness to keep me in the tunnel rather than running towards the light.

Staggering down the first block of the yellow brick road

While on my weight loss journey, I have figured out that alcohol might as well be a grenade in my hand. When I drink, I could care less about what I eat ....actually I have a greater urge to binge when I eat,. I have found out the hard way that you can not be tipsy/buzzed/drunk while in the beginning of your weight loss journey. Drinking gives you an "I don't give a damn" attitude when it comes to food, especially the more you drink. Then again, why is that a surprise? Drinking is meant to lower your inhibitions and reservations so you naturally will not be as uptight about food when you have a few to drink. Now, since I love alcohol....Houston...we have a big ass problem!