Where did it all begin

I am always asked by friends and those who know me how I got to be this big. To be honest, I don't know. I've never had a healthy relationship with food. When I was little, we were very poor. I don't mean, broke, I mean poor - as in I wore my grandma's hand me Downs and we often went without dinner. I distinctly remember one time where I was talking to my Sunday school teacher about being hungry and how we had no food. Later that week they showed up at my house with bags and bags full of food. My mother was in tears and all she could do was thank God. She asked what I told them, and I told her I told them the truth. Growing up without nutritious meals readily available, whenever food came into my presence I felt the need to consume it all since I didn't know when it would come again. I distinctly remember as a teen, when my mother had extra money we would go fast food shopping - visiting several fast food restaurant drivethrus and eating everything we ordered. Of course by that time I was already overweight for my age. Everything seemed normal. When my mother weighed 500lbs, I didn't see it as out of the ordinary, she was fine to me. when she died at 550lbs, I didn't consider her weight to be an issue. now, at nearly 500lbs myself, I am terrified. I constantly relive the moments of her life. "my back is hurting, this is how mom was before she died. I'm sleeping all the time, this is how mom was before she died, etc." I am constantly comparing my life to hers and it is terrifying. She died at only 45 with so much ahead of her and I am certain I am heading down the same path. Everyday is a struggle. I grew up with an unhealthy relationship with food and to try to mend that relationship now is more than I can handle. Its more difficult than I thought. I want to cut out food completely but I realize that is not realistic. I have to find that perfect medium. That balance that I have never known. It is harder than I thought and more difficult than people realize.