Getting back to her

So its no surprise that I use alcohol and food to cope with my emotions. I've been to therapists over the years and that got me no where because I refuse to open up - ironic that I have a blog. This weekend is mother's day weekend which is always emotional to me since my mother died in 2007 and it will be soon followed by father's day - which used to mean nothing to me but it has now become emotional because of tumultuous relationship with my father as a child and our mending as I was an adult before his death. On top of that there is the stress of work as a first year teacher, the stress of being on a single income with my fiance out of work, and then trying to lose weight and stop drinking.

Well - yesterday the stress got to me and I pigged out on McDonald's and I drank a four loko after withdrawal symptoms were just too much for me. Picking up the phone and calling a friend I got some what I call "TI Real Talk".  While I didn't get chewed out for drinking or pigging out, I did get chewed out for covering up the underlying issues and beating myself up. I've never coped with emotions well. When I was younger and depressed, I turned to music and food. When I got older, I turned to alcohol and unhealthy relationships to keep me occupied - not realizing that those added to the negative emotions and created a vicious cycle. Adding in the loss of my mother, my aunt, and my niece the alcohol and eating kept me from killing myself. Topped that off with betrayal from the one I used to love, having a stranger stalk and try to attack me, an attempted rape from a close friend, and I have become a distant memory of the vibrant, confident, woman with high self esteem that I used to be. I packed on over 100 extra pounds and my self esteem has plummeted. Yes, only 100 or so pounds. I loved myself when I was 350-390 pounds. I felt sexy, I felt confident, and I was very active - walking for hours a day. I was outspoken, I was a firecracker.  I am now more reserved, my clothes cover nearly every inch of my body. I'm more aware of my flabby arms, my double chin, my wobbly walk. I used to look in the mirror and think I looked so sexy, now usually I think "OK, how do I not look like 500lbs?" I used to love to be the center of attention and now I love to hide. So, when this person pointed out those changes, I realized they were right. I am a distant memory of what I used to be and I hate that. I was overweight but I was happy. I didn't make excuses, I owned my flaws and loved them. And busy? I worked 3 jobs and went to school and still had a social life. Now, my free time is spent sleeping. I used to think it was because I was getting older, but no, its because I have no energy from my weight or I'm drunk. So after taking a verbal beating of "realness" from this person, I went to sleep and slept on it. I woke up this morning with a clear mind but an overpowering urge to be alone and connect with myself. I have to find out what internal stresses are driving me to overeat and drink because the external stresses are very obvious but theres more to them. So today, I'm going to put on my makeup, my cute clothes, my cute shoes, and force myself to be the girl I used to be. I'm going to force myself to be confident and hope that it will jog my memory of a time when I was happier and I can find out what has changed internally.

I miss me